July Recap of Match.com

As my wise refrigerator magnet says…..

I did just that…. I bit the bullet and decided to give this Match.com thing a shot.

Mr. Baltimore…

I began emailing Mr. Baltimore his profile said that he lives outside of Baltimore and that he is a Ravens football fan. Perfect – so am I! He came across as very nice. I was asking him about how certain features on Match worked and he was very good at explaining things. So after emailing back and forth – I decided to ask him to dinner (btw – I HATE asking a guy to dinner! Even over the computer guys can’t grow balls and ask a girl out!) We decided to meet in Laurel at a Mexican dive since that was roughly the halfway point for us. As I am driving from work, I kept repeatedly asking myself – What the hell am I doing? I was thinking he could be an axe murderer, if my mother found out SHE would kill me. I began singing, What the fuck am I doing with my life to Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’ beat.

I parked in a highly visible area where I was sure someone could hear my screams just in case 1) I was getting attacked or 2) he didn’t look ANYTHING like his picture. He met me in the parking lot and we walked into the restaurant together. He was much shorter than I expected. I was thinking that someone should tell him that six feet is not an estimate. After we ordered our food we began to talk a little about each other. I asked him that since he was a RAVENS fan, how many games had he gone to at M&T stadium. He said none…. Oh, ok well I know tickets are expensive, I thought. I then asked him where he watches the games (possible answers being a bar, his house, his buddies house, with family, ext…) He informed me that he doesn’t watch any football and he chooses to spend his time reading at night. When I asked him why did he say he was a Ravens fan IF he didn’t watch the games – he said it was because he lives in Maryland so he just put it down….. WOW. Our food came out and as I was rapidly eating so the date would be over he informed me that he saved $20 on his cable bill this year. FUCK MY LIFE! We both paid and I practically ran back to my car! —NEXT

Mr. Army…

The next guy I had been chatting up with on Match was an Army guy who seemed pretty interesting. We both shared similar interests – working out, going to church, hanging out with friends, ext… After emailing back and forth, I asked him if he would like to grab a drink at the end of the week. Again – me with my invisible balls asked him! He responded back that he could not because HE IS STATIONED IN SOUTH KOREA!!! I began thinking this was some sort of sick joke. Clearly one of my brothers hacked into some poor innocent guy’s account and is clearly fucking with me right now! He said that he was currently stationed in S. Korea and will be returning to the DC area in December. I know, I should be respectful since he is selfless young man who signed up to fight for our freedom. I get it. BUT – clearly his profile said he was from DC and not South Korea. I politely emailed him back and said that I signed up for Match.com and NOT Penpal.com. I told him that he should change the area of where his profile read or tell a girl in the first email. What is wrong with this guy…! NEXT…

Mr. RedHead…

Let me begin by saying Red Heads are special people who need love too. They are a rare breed of human that certain people find attractive and sexy. Let me tell you that I am not one of them! A very sweet but very redheaded guy winked at me on Match. I realized this as I was drinking Crystal Light where I began to choke. No way. Not happening. Ever. If a redhead was to ever get intimate with me, I would either run away screaming or try to put out his crotch fire with large amounts of water. Plus – if I was to ever settle down with a redhead, my future child very well could end up looking like this … and I would clearly have to return it.

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